When I was an atheist I made fun of Christian kids at school - now I ring them up to apologise

Harry Howard is a young journalist with a love of books. As a teenager he read all the best-selling books of the New Atheist movement and laughed at religious belief. But all that changed after he discovered a philosophical argument for God that “blew his mind”.

Fast forward several years and he now regularly attends one of the oldest churches in London, and says that the Church of England should try swapping guitars and drums for smells, bells and ancient liturgy in order to attract more young people.

Harry is not the only journalist advocating that churches should stop trying to be trendy. Douglas Murray, associate editor of The Spectator recently revealed that most of his peers who have converted to Christianity have embraced its most ancient forms. In the Big Conversation with NT Wright he talks about his own search for faith as an ‘uncomfortable agnostic’ who still loves the church.

While Douglas Murray searches, Harry has found a place to call home in the church. And he’s hoping to persuade others they can find a place there too. 

For more testimonies:

Hope in despair

From radical atheist to Christian

Death has lost its sting

Fighting against God

Growing up, what was your family’s view of religion?

My mum is a nominal Christian, but doesn’t go to church and my dad’s always been very hostile to Christianity and religion in general. He’s a Dawkins-style atheist, and I sort of inherited his atheism as a teenager, until around the age of 18. 

What changed your mind?

I was in a politics lesson at sixth Form. The teacher was a Muslim who also taught philosophy. He was asked by a member of the class to explain the Kalam Cosmological Argument for God. I was sitting there, intrigued, as he started explaining it. In fact, I got my phone out and recorded it because I found it so powerful. It blew my mind.

What is the Kalam Cosmological Argument?

It an argument for God as the first cause of the universe. Everything that begins to exist, has a cause. We know the universe began to exist, therefore, it must have a cause beyond itself. But the thing that caused it must be something that itself is uncaused, which transcends time and space, and which is immensely powerful too.

I walked out of the room no longer an atheist. I realised it didn’t make much sense to say that the universe has a beginning, but there’s no God.

This was like a light-coming-on-moment?

It was, yes. I certainly wasn’t a Christian by that point, but I was telling everyone about this argument for God. I was just amazed by it. I wrote up a transcript of what the teacher had said and got my dad to read it. He just trashed it immediately!

How did your journey progress from then? There’s quite a leap from thinking there’s a God to believing in Jesus…

Yes! Changing your mind is a very difficult process, especially with something like this, because it has such an impact on your life.

I started off reading Francis Collins’ book, The Language of God. I think I was more persuaded by people who also used to be atheists. He talked about CS Lewis’ Mere Christianity being very influential, so I read that too.

I had used to find atheist authors like Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens very persuasive, mainly because I was receptive to those arguments anyway. But I was totally ignorant of the historical basis of the Gospels. There weren’t just documents put together later on. So I went on a journey and became very receptive to Christianity, but still wasn’t practising in any sense.

By that time I was at uni and I started going to church in my second year, but only as a visitor, not as a Christian.

Did you start getting to know some Christians through church at that point?

It was weird because I remember taking the mickey out of my Christian friends at school, as a Christopher Hitchens-fuelled young atheist. I would just ridicule their arguments. I felt so guilty about it later. I actually messaged one of them to say, ‘You know, I’m actually a Christian now, and I’m sorry for taking the mick out of you so much!’

It was a very happy-clappy sort of church. I wasn’t really in my comfort zone. In retrospect, I’m not sure it’s the best thing for a newcomer. They might walk in and see all these people dancing around and immediately walk out again, thinking “these people are crazy!” I didn’t do that because I was on this journey. And I knew they were Christians. And I knew there was lots of different expressions of that.

You decided to put up with some weirdness?

Yeah. I actually started to enjoy it and join in. And I met a lot of very, very nice people, some of whom I’m still in touch with. I did the Alpha Course - the ultimate basic introduction to Christianity. A lot of things started to fall into place in that process. I remember the Christians there asking each week if I felt like I was a Christian yet!

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Was there a line you eventually crossed?

I think there was. I just felt confident enough eventually to come out as a Christian.

You had been though some serious medical issues as well. How did you look back on that as a Christian?

I was diagnosed with a brain tumour in November 2011 when I was still an atheist. I remember it was actually the same month that Christopher Hitchens died of cancer himself. But I was treated successfully and finished treatment for it the following year.

I don’t think God gave me a brain tumour, or anything. Instead, I think of Romans chapter five: ‘We rejoice in our sufferings’. That speaks to me so much, because I feel like you become a stronger person through struggle. So I don’t feel like it conflicts with a loving God.

As a Christian I saw the whole thing as part of bigger picture. I had another scare a few years ago, where I thought the tumour had come back. It actually hadn’t, but I felt like that was a big, ‘get-your-skates-on-and-don’t-waste-time’ kick up the backside really.

When it comes to church, your journey began with that ‘happy-clappy’ experience. But you now find yourself in the more traditional wing of the Church of England?

Yes, at St Bartholomew The Great in London. I’d read a feature in the Sunday Times about it being a bells-and-smells high-Anglican sort of church, but attracting young people. So I went along and discovered there were quite a few young people (and a lot of people generally). The service is very traditional and Anglo-Catholic. It was quite strange at first.

People might assume that to attract young people you need guitars and lights etc?

The Church of England seem to think that young people are attracted to a modern style of church. But I think this is why Christianity is doing so badly in this country. You can get that outside in popular culture anyway, and church tends to do a second rate version. Why would you go to a church disco if you can go to a proper one? Because it’s obviously going to be worse, isn’t it?

But when I go to a service that has its roots in something really ancient, it’s like a refuge from the popular culture, which is now so devoid of any real meaning. I think that’s why that church is so popular.

It makes sense for where you are?

I don’t think anyone’s going to find a church where there isn’t something that they would like to change about it. But it speaks to me, yes.

Harry Howard is the History Correspondent for MailOnline.

Twitter: @howardharry

***This interview took place five years ago, and was in audio form on the Unbelievable show. 

Watch NT Wright and Douglas Murray discuss ‘Identity, Myth & Miracles’ on The Big Conversation.